When my husband, Jake, gave me a calendar to help me “become a better wife,” I was astounded. However, I played along rather than losing it. Jake had no idea that I was going to give him a lesson that would cause him to reconsider his recently adopted marriage philosophy.
I’ve always taken great satisfaction in being the sensible one in our union. It was easy for Jake to become engrossed in anything, be it a new pastime or a random YouTube video that claimed to transform his life in three simple steps.
But before Jake met Steve, we were good. Steve was the kind of person who talked over you when you tried to correct him, the kind who believed that having strong opinions made him correct.
In addition, he was unmarried all the time (who would have thought that?), and he politely gave relationship advise to everyone of his married coworkers, including Jake. Although Jake ought to have known better, my beloved hubby was completely enamored with Steve’s self-assurance.
I didn’t give it much thought until Jake began saying offensive things.
According to Steve, relationships function best when the wife manages the home. Or “Steve believes that regardless of the length of a woman’s marriage, she should always look good for her husband.”
I would scoff and roll my eyes in response, but it was starting to irritate me. Jake was evolving. God forbid I have a full-time job of my own, so he would sigh when I let the laundry pile up and raise his eyebrows if I ordered takeout rather than cooking.
Then it took place. He brought The List home one evening.
He slipped a piece of paper across to me after unfolding it and seating me at the kitchen table.
He said, “I’ve been thinking,” in a tone of condescension that I had never heard him use before. Lisa, you make a wonderful wife. However, there is potential for improvement.
I raised my eyebrows. “Oh, really?”
Ignorant of the danger zone he was entering, he nodded. Indeed. Steve helped me realize that if you, you know, took a little more initiative, our marriage could be even better.
He was suddenly struck by the numbers and the ridiculousness of his own expectations. His arrogance vanished, along with the understanding that he had made a grave mistake.
“I… I didn’t mean…” Jake stumbled and gave me a wide-eyed stare. “I didn’t want for it to be this way, Lisa. I had the thought—
“What did you think? That, like a project, I could “improve” myself? Despite the calmness of my speech, there was genuine hurt in it. Marriage isn’t about rituals or lists, Jake. Respect is at issue. And you will be paying far more than what is shown on that paper if you ever attempt to “fix” me in this way again.