To My Wife,
I am writing to inform you that I will be permanently leaving you. In our seven years of marriage, I have been a nice man to you, but I have nothing to show for it.
For me, the past two weeks have been difficult. I was informed by your manager that you resigned today, and I could no longer stand it.
You didn’t even realize I had a new haircut, had prepared your favorite meal, or even donned a brand-new pair of silk boxers when you got home last week.
You finished your meal in two minutes and immediately fell asleep after watching all of your soap operas. You no longer claim to love me, and you have no desire for sex or anything that would bind us as husband and wife.
Your former spouse
P.S. Don’t look for me. Together, your sister and I are relocating to West Virginia! Enjoy your wonderful life!
To My Former Husband,
I assure you that receiving your letter has brightened my day more than anything else. Yes, you and I have been married for seven years, but a nice man is very different from what you’ve been.
Even though it doesn’t seem to work, I watch my TV shows a lot since they block out your incessant complaining and whining.
Although I did notice your haircut last week, my first thought was, “You look just like a girl!” Additionally, because my mother taught me that if you can’t say something kind, you shouldn’t say anything, I chose not to Regarding those new silk boxers: I hoped it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning, and I turned you away because the $49.99 price tag was still on them.
I still loved you and thought we could work things out in spite of everything. I quit my work and purchased two tickets for us to travel to Jamaica after winning $10 million in the lottery. But you were gone when I got home.
I suppose everything happens for a purpose. I wish you the happy life you’ve always desired. According to my lawyer, the letter you drafted guarantees you won’t receive any money from me. So be careful.
Your Ex-Wife, Signed, Free & Rich As Hell!
P.S. I’m not sure.